你听过最好笑的一句话

In elementary school math teacher in our school likes to tell jokes before but not funny, to not offend our teachers, no matter what we say will be "hahahaha" laugh
One day we entered the classroom of math teacher said, "My father died today" I heard directly on the "hahahah"
Then her classmates "hahahah"
For some time we have become the buzzwords hahahah

他们作动词时有相同的意思：用货币购买劳动力
但这个意思仅“雇”一个字就足以表达
因此二词的区别在用佣二字
“用”有“人或物发挥其功能”的意思,因此“雇用”强调的是“雇”的目的
“佣”本意是殉葬的陶土人偶,演变为服侍别人的人,现在是“受雇用的人”的意思.所以“雇佣”强调的是“雇”的对象
这个区别比较微妙,在大部分场合中这两个词是等效的,可以互换
非要再说区别的话,他们读音不同~
这个好不好笑~

翻译《五官争功》
Nose:Me,quit it!
Ears:I ah,home leave,please!
Eyes:Me,transferred!
Head:how you?How can you?
Nose:You say my nose,what is hard Well,I fall?Ah?Your head is acting by side,and you have toward that mouth.
Head:how do I toward him now?
Nose:Hey!What get some good food,drink,and what poultry meat,delicacies,children orange soda,cream popsicle,you plug it all mouth head it!
Mouth:Nonsense!You have to cold,to cold,breathing child that I have wore it for you.
Eyes:Do not say it!You two popular,smell spicy,I watched helplessly thing I do not ah?
Ears:Right!I can still see it?
Head:Enough!What is it you guys did here first.
Nose:This is a good thing,all fall on the mouth it!
Mouth:Enough!I saw you light popular,spicy drink it!You who give birth to a disaster,trouble a disease,drink grievances,eating pills,incomplete head plug my mouth now?What did I say?
Ears:Yeah,this earrings also tie my ears too!
Mouth:Yes,ah!Tie your ears hurt you,my mouth had to blanket way to go.
Eyes:Yes,ah,you have a grin,which I had to squeeze tears.
Nose:It made my nose straight acid,whom I bother you?
Mouth:make do with it.
Nose:I ask you,when you smoke,smoke that hit me why do you go inside the nose?
Mouth:Nonsense!You have the cravings,I'm not looking for smoke you receive money?
Nose:I received tobacco money?
Mouth:ah.
Nose:I do not want you to road maintenance?
Mouth:the head,I am for you advice.
Head:for I have opinions?
Mouth:Hey.
Head:how you?
Mouth:How can you put my mouth on the bottom?
Head:Yes,ah,the original design of it then to the.
Mouth:you have to increase my position.
Head:Do not say it!Why do you?Full-length features on top of my head,had to listen to me!Features different division of labor,have mutual support,mutual help and unity to dry out the points thing Come

破折号
一般用法：
1、表示破折号后面是解释说明的部分.
各国政府——无论专制政府或共和政府——都驱逐他.
带工老板或者打杂的拿着一叠叠的名册,懒散地站在正门口——好像火车站剪票处一般的木栅子前面
2、表示意思的递进.
每年——特别是水灾、旱灾的时候,这些在日本厂里有门路的带工……
3、表示意思的转换、跳跃或转折.
“今天好热啊!——你什么时候去上海?”
我本来不想去,可是俺婆婆非叫我再去看看他——有什么看头啊!
4、表示语音的延长
“小林——,我来了!”他大喊着
“呜——呜——呜”小男孩大声哭起来.
我们在天安门前深情的呼唤：周——总——理——
5、表示语音较大的停顿或中断.
那个时候在无锡的人,我倒问过,可是——（表示说话中断）
表意思递进（紧承） 团结——批评——团结
6、表示总结上文.如：
想赢的不能赢,不怕输的反而输——这是竞赛的辩证法.
7、用在副标题前.如：
火刑
——纪念乔尔丹诺.布鲁诺
8、表分项列举
根据研究对象不同,环境物理分为以下五个分支学科
——环境声学；
——环境光学；
——环境热学；
——环境电磁学；
——环境空气动力学.
9、破折号前的标点,如果是句号或逗号,可不用.如果是问号或感叹号,则保留.如：
人人都知道他是雷锋式的人物——心中只想着他人的好人.
热爱书吧!——这是知识的源泉.
10、应注意的问题：
破折号与括号的区别
较重要的内容用破折号,一般内容用括号；破折号表示的注释部分要连着正文念出来,括号表示注释的内容可不读出来.破折号之前可以有点号,但破折号之后不能有点号.
破折号与“是”“有”等提示的词不能同时使用.
破折号与冒号的区别：
破折号中表示注释的的用法容易和冒号中总说与分说的用法相混淆,可从两个角度区别：一是分说部分是总说部分的分项叙述,应用冒号,如：“今天晚会上有如下节目：舞蹈、独唱、二重唱、相声和杂技.”如分说部分是对总说部分的注释,则应用破折号,如“我国的四大发明——火药、印刷术、指南针、造纸术对世界历史的发展有伟大贡献.”二是凡用破折号表示注释的,可以把注释删去,句子的内容与形式仍是完整的；用冒号表示总说分说的句子则不能把分说部分删去,否则句子表意不完整.

大街上的人怎么会看到他这个样子的都感觉不会十分好笑呢

画杨桃画成了五角星,没有什么好笑的.
有什么改成没有,问号变成句号

A river is very rich because it has two banks.
河很富有,因为它拥有两个银行(河岸也是此单词)

在当今世界上,有许多事情是我们所不能控制的,浑浑噩噩中,我们唯有独善其身.

The funniest thing that I experienced in my life with my friends is absolutely unforgettable.I remember at that time I was a undergraduate student in my university.And I was living with several other roommates i had.Our room was always crowded because it was the centre of the dormitory and everyone in the building used to hang out around our room.And the people who lived on our floor were sharing one kitchen with everyone,which means there was only one refrigerator.I remember that there was always bottled coke in the refrigerator,always.
One day,I and my fellow roommates decided to prank one of our best friends who was not from our floor of the dormitory.We specially designed this operation and called it the "Minty Terrorist Bomb" because it was so literally similar to one actual bomb except that it was made by mint pills and a bottle of coke.We "innovated" the cap of a bottled coke so it has a special hidden space for several pills of mint,which will automatically drop into the coke if the cap is opened.And we were waiting patiently for our poor,innocent friend to activate this bomb.And he did open this bottled coke at the end,as expected.
As soon as he opened the bottle,the coke exploded up onto the ceiling due to the chemical reaction caused between mint and coke acid.We were all laughing so hard even though our kitchen was completely chaotic!And that became one of the legendary stories which were always passed to the new students who live in that dormitory!
以上100%个人经历,我加拿大学经济的.总计272词

我是你boss..我说笑话你竟敢不笑.. 或者刚刚（给你说笑话）是给你开玩笑 ...
你为什么不笑 你心情不好么 说出来让我笑一笑
埃 看来我太高估你的幽默细胞了
希望能帮助你

What a funny woman shi is!

One day, the teacher came into the classroom, the students together to stand up shouting: "Good morning teacher!"
Teacher angrily said: "Good morning called only? Afternoon I? Should not it?"
So the students齐喊another: "Good afternoon, teacher!"
Teacher angrily said: "That night I do?"
The students齐喊another: "the teacher or night!"
Teacher nodded and said: "This do, and now re-call again!"
Students a齐喊: "Good morning teacher, good afternoon, or evening!"
The teacher said: "sit down! Antonyms today we have to review, we do practice, I say, you Antonyms aloud. Now."
Teacher: "The weather today is good."
Students: "The weather today is bad."
Teacher: "The sun was shining everywhere."
Student: "everywhere covered with dark clouds."
Teacher: "sea of people on the road."
Student: "empty street."
Teacher: "Young."
Student: "old."
Teacher: "standing."
Student: "lying"
Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."
Student: "There is a year old lying on the road."
Teacher: "I picked up a dollar."
Student: "I lost a dollar."
Teacher: "I picked up a dollar, to the teachers."
Student: "I lost a dollar, steal a teacher."
Teacher: "error, can not say that!"
Student: "correct, we should say so!"
Teacher: "error."
Student: "correct."
Teacher: "This will not do, this is illegal!"
Students: "This can be, it is lawful!"
Teacher: "I said the wrong."
Student: "We said that right."
Teacher: "listen to the teacher, the teacher said, is the right!"
Student: "listen to us, teachers say is wrong!"
Teacher: "You are stupid."
Student: "We are clever."
Teacher: "Stop!"
Students: "to continue!"
Teacher: "You have to stop now! Not to mention a!"
Student: "We will now continue! Would also like to say!"
Teacher: "You idiot, I said, stop!"
Student: "We are all gifted, we say to continue!"
Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!"
Student: "Teachers listen to us!"
Teacher: "Students have to listen to the teacher!"
Student: "Teachers have to listen to the students!"
Teacher: "Now you stop the practice!"
Students: "Now we continue to practice!"
Teacher: "You go on forever it?"
Student: "We have beginnings and ends of it!"
Teacher: "That you stop! Idiot!"
Student: "That we continue! Genius!"
. After the teacher angrily out of the classroom with books

一,1,When do you arrive in Wuhan?2,He goes to hotel by the 20th bus every morning.3,She is a joking girl.4,Mr.Wang often works all night.
二,1,What is the time?2,She doesn't get up late on weekends.3,Where does Jake eat breakfast?4,When does school start 5,Does Lily take a shower at 9:00 in the evening?

各种振动着的物体都可以向周围的介质发出弹性波,都是声源.常见的声源如杆,弦,气柱,膜,板的振动.
声源的振动迫使跟它毗连的空气层以同样的周期T振动起来.由于空气受到压缩或稀疏时,有弹性力的作用产生,就进而引起附近部分的空气的振动.这样,声源的振动就由于空气介质的压缩和稀疏以声速向各个方向传播出去.

孩子的天真无知，老师的无奈和家长的教育不合理

这个笑话真是十分好笑得很.
可改为：这个笑话真是十分好笑.
或：这个笑话真是好笑得很.
【注】这个病句属语意重复.
愿对你有所帮助!

1、给你最直接的句子结构【英语万能句】结构：
Who do what how when where why.
特点：一般英语句子都有共同点——先说主要内容,再表达次要内容.
变化：如果强调某一种状语形式,可以将这种状语的用词或短语、从句前置.例如：
I met one of my friends in the town last Sunday.
Last Sunday,I met one of my friends in the town .
价值：按照这种结构表达出的句子,基本符合常规英语句子结构.
但是,在实际语言交际中学习鲜活的语言形式,更为重要.
2、注重口语交际用语学习,特别是交际用语的【语境】分析,对应语境下的地道应答形式.除了朗读对话,分析体会语境和听力练习外,最好还是多进行实际应用训练.

祝你开心如意!

I think it is more laughable than shocking for the newspaper to be writing about the actress' unattractive past.或I think that the newspaper's writing about the actress' unattractive past is more laug...

People always think they know a lot of self-righteous,very funny.

I am thinking about a funny thing.

have ,read ,this one

春秋时代,有个叫俞伯牙的人,精通音律,琴艺高超,是当时著名的琴师.俞伯牙年轻的时候聪颖好学,曾拜高人为师,琴技达到水平,但他总觉得自己还不能出神入化地表现对各种事物的感受.伯牙的老师知道他的想法后,就带他乘船到东海的蓬莱岛上,让他欣赏大自然的景色,倾听大海的波涛声.伯牙举目眺望,只见波浪汹涌,浪花激溅；海鸟翻飞,鸣声入耳；山林树木,郁郁葱葱,如入仙境一般.一种奇妙的感觉油然而生,耳边仿佛咯起了大自然那和谐动听的音乐.他情不自禁地取琴弹奏,音随意转,把大自然的美妙融进了琴声,伯牙体验到一种前所未有的境界.老师告诉他：“你已经学了.”
一夜伯牙乘船游览.面对清风明月,他思绪万千,于是又弹起琴来,琴声悠扬,渐入佳境.忽听岸上有人叫绝.伯牙闻声走出船来,只见一个樵夫站在岸边,他知道此人是知音当即请樵夫上船,兴致勃勃地为他演奏.伯牙弹起赞美高山的曲调,樵夫说道：“真好!雄伟而庄重,好像高耸入云的泰山一样!”当他弹奏表现奔腾澎湃的波涛时,樵夫又说：“真好!宽广浩荡,好像看见滚滚的流水,无边的大海一般!”伯牙兴奋色了,激动地说：“知音!你真是我的知音.”这个樵夫就是钟子期.从此二人成了非常要好的朋友.

父亲：儿子,要过年了,我们去贴春联.我先贴上联,贴下联时你在下面帮我看,上下联要一样高.要是下联比上联低,你就说‘高升’,要是下联比上联高,你就说‘发财’.
儿子：好的.
父亲贴好上联后举着下联比量,让儿子看,结果等了很久儿子也不说话.
父亲：兔崽子,我胳膊都举酸了,怎么不说话?
儿子：爸,你既不高升,也不发财,正好!
父亲本想在过年时讨个了吉利话,没想到儿子这么说,气得给了儿子两脚.

最喜欢的鞋,总能带我们到最幸福的地方

强身健体,立志成材,2班2班,非同一般
扬帆把舵,奋勇拼搏,看我三班,锐不可当
与时俱进,奋力拼搏,齐心协力,争创一流
铁心拼搏,争创一流
团结拼搏,争创伟绩,飞跃梦想,自强不息
挑战自我,超越梦想,团结互助,共创佳绩
励精图治,开拓进取,超越刘翔,从我做起
九班九班,勇夺桂冠,齐心协力,共创辉煌
团结进取,开拓创新,顽强拼搏,争创一流
互相学习,取长补短,再接再厉,勇攀高峰
与时俱进,开拓创新,顽强拼搏,勇夺第一
励精图治, 争创一流,好好学习,天天向上
八年二班,猛虎出山, 八年二班, 锐不可当
奋力拼搏,扬我班风,努力学习,勇争第一
八(4)精英,敢闯敢拼,齐心协力,争创佳绩
青春如火,超越自我,八年五班, 奋勇拼搏
看我六班,影子飒爽, 奋勇拼搏,展现自我
励精图治,奋发向上,努力拼搏,永不言弃
八班一出,谁与争锋,横扫赛场,唯我称雄
挥动激情,放飞梦想,团结拼搏,树我雄风
十班,十班, 锐不可当,超越自我,再创辉煌
顽强拼搏,拥抱胜利,十一,十一,勇争第一
挥动激情,挑战自我,突破极限,超越自我
1、发展体育运动,增强人民体质!
2、全民健身,利国利民,功在当代,利在千秋!
3、人类需要体育,世界向往和和平!
4、开展全民健身运动,全面建设小康社会!
5、体育使城市充满活力,城市因体育勃发生机!
6、人人关心体育,体育造福人人!
1、努力拼搏,永夺第一.
2、我精彩,我运动.
3、我运动,我健康,我快乐.
4、超越极限,超越自我.
5、团结拼搏,永创辉煌
6、团结、拼搏奋斗.
7、青春无畏,逐梦扬威.
8、我运动、我快乐我锻炼、我提高
9、比出风采、超越自我
10、更强我能、更快更高.
11、拼搏追取、善学勤
12团结拼搏拼搏进
13努力奋斗勇敢争先
14文明守纪拥抱胜利
15努力拼搏自强不息
16运动起来勇敢第一
17天道酬勤健康起来
18赛出成绩安全第一
19团结文明展现风采
20追梦扬威奋勇争先
齐心协力,永创佳绩,顽强拼搏, 齐心协力,永创佳绩,顽强拼搏,所向无敌
好多,你自己选吧.

D

（A“对于”引出对象，“关于”引出涉及的事物或范围。“言论”是对象，故宜用“对于”。B“尽管”的后面应用确定的词语，如“许多”。C“既然”不能与“因此”搭配。）

emotely adv
(通常用於否定句中) to a very small or slight degree （程度）极微地,极轻地:
It isn't remotely possible that you will be chosen to go.挑选你去的可能性并非很小.
The essay isn't even remotely relevant to the topic.这篇文章毫不切题.
not remotely = 毫不、一点也不
这里不是“遥远”的意思.

①心旷神怡
②哑然失笑
③不解之缘
④回味无穷
⑤开天辟地
⑥百无聊赖
⑦了如指掌
⑧惟妙惟肖
⑨义正词严
⑩与世隔绝

翻译吗?不知道我能不能完美翻译,毕竟才过了四级,可能有些词拼写有错误,但是绝对是本人自己写的,不是用金山- -!if you have ever watch ZhouXingchi's film,some of his show is amazing but it's really funny.Cause Zhou is the first man who made the style of unreasonable.In my opinions I think his histroic movie is ,in this film the story of film hero is the ture story of himself,we can see his hardness.Besides I also love his film named ,and a lots of had ever seem it.We all knows that Huang and Zhang is very famous,but Huang become famous by means of ,and Zhang is famous by means of ,so they also been named “women of Xing”.At last,I hope you can watch his film in your spare time,it can brings you lots of happyness.My speach is over now,thank you!太费劲了,知道你是在写作文,那你也稍微多给点分吧,不是我今天没事我才不写这个呢,作文还是自己写的好,依赖别人没用的

ne day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?" 一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

狮子感到好笑,说：“老弟,你一个小小的老鼠还能帮我什么忙?’’

⒈“这一点也不好笑,先生.”
It's not funny at all, sir
⒉“我当然知道这句话是废话,只是帮你打发时间.”
I'm well aware of that the word makes no sense, I 'm just heling you to kill time
⒊“好冷.”
I'm so chilled.

I've never read so funny stories.

The story is so funny that we all laughed.

He found your words funny.

我 的生字表

趣意深长.

参考老友记不是很好嘛,那个多搞笑呀~

跟我联系danwangwuwang@eyou.com

意思我大概说一下.
男人要了好多酒,而且喝的飞快.酒保问他为什么喝那么快,男人说如果你有我所拥有的东西那你也会这样,酒保问,兄弟你有什么啊?男人说,我（只）有一美元.
意思很明了,男人打算喝了酒就跑,一美元付不了那么多酒的.

老师问小明1+1等于几,小明说不知道,老师让他回家问家长.
小明回到家,问妈妈,妈妈在打麻将.
小明问妈妈1+1等于几,妈妈没听小明说话,说：“二饼!”
小明问爸爸,爸爸在喝啤酒：爽!
小明问爷爷,爷爷在看电视：美丽的青藏高原!
小明问姐姐,姐姐在打电话：我在楼下等你!
小明问奶奶,奶奶有神经病：我滴家在茅屎坑,咿呀咿呀哦
第二天,老师问小明1+1等于几?小明说：二饼!”
老师给了小明一个巴掌,小明：爽!
老师：你知道这是哪吗?
小明：美丽的青藏高原!
老师：你给我滚!
小明：我在楼下等你!
老师：你家在哪儿,我要去家访（怒发冲冠）
小明：我滴家在茅屎坑,咿呀咿呀哦

非要这么长吗?
有一个短点儿的 不到120
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar.She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar.She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar.She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
不知道你看懂了没
西方有这么一个观点 就是金发美女都是蠢蛋 所以就有了一个恶毒的专门笑话门类：blonde jokes
这个笑话的笑点在于：金发美女是不会动脑子的 “I think”就是句谎话

In the living room group of people are putting on airs to jump thegroup dance,I think very funnily.

自以为是 不懂装懂
不识庐山真面目 只缘身在此山中

Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说. “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的.”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师.一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝.
“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她.
“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝.”那孩子回答说.
“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道.
“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样.”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头. 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式.
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲.
“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头.”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车.接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了.她的惯性使她接近了我的脚.我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来.她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”
英语笑话（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子.这个答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气.Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思.
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的.你说呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面.
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉.虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了.
英语笑话（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人.
-- 他真是一个大人物.干什么的?
-- 墓地守墓人.
英语笑话（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元.在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假.
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票.这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的.”
英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦,
亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!
布朗夫人：没有用的,我的小狗不认识字.”
英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员,
这个龙虾只有一只爪.
-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了.
-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧.
英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了.他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答.
英语笑话 http://www.***.com/Article/joke/Index.html 有声英语笑话,推荐 http://www.***.com/tingli/joke/Index.html

表面皿只是一片薄玻璃,是不能加热的,资料上说的蒸发,指的是少量液体,一般不超过20ml（具体视规格而定）只能等他缓慢蒸发.一般是放在干燥器里,这样快一点.具体的可以放在室温较高的地方,这样不加热就可以快速蒸发.

He Won
Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.
Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen?
Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤.
汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了.
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,"What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan."I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”
“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说.
“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问.
“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说.“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢.”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说.“你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的.”
Drunk
One day,a father and his little son were going home.At this age,the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now,he asked,"What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk',dad?" "Well,my son," his father replied,"look,there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But,dad," the boy said," there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家.这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题.他向父亲发问道：“爸爸,” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察.如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了.” “可是,爸爸,”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled,put the cheese into his mouth and then said:"You must have better eyes than your mother,sonny.Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap,sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意.这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子.过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里.客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好.你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生.”那小男孩说.
英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球,一个老美看到就笑我说,"Do you
know what does it mean?It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性,缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快,联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围,他说,有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn,他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S,(All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔!下次就换你去取笑老美了.

藏头诗,希望能帮到你 祝君长咏梦熊诗,
愿报何人得桂枝.
王母夭桃一度开,
芬芳鸡舌向南宫.
生死向前山可穴,
日更时中望不斜.
快活不知如我者,
乐游原上清秋节.
笑他寒燕一双双,
口口相传不记文.
常闻欲向沧江去,
开元之人乐且康.

I have not read a funny story like this