托福作文 抽象的题目怎么写?就比如怎么证明advertising is the most important cause

　　在托福作文备考中,尤其在开头段,结尾段以及中间各段的衔接,找到了漂亮的句式就从此永远用这个不要再改了,这就是自己独家的写作模板.
　　每段的第一句尤其要精彩一点,试着尝试倒装句,或用被动语态,总之别写干巴巴的简单句、主动句,这样给考官的感觉就是你接下来的论述也没有可期待之处.
　　平时在托福写作练习的时候可以用尽量多的句式,多尝试,找到适合自己的,既能记住,又能灵活运用,限时模考的时候就开始逐渐找到自己的句式表达和段落结构,形成自己固定的模板套路,也就是个人的写作风格吧.
　　在托福作文备考中找到自己托福写作的独特方法,对考试来说是一种很大的促进.适合自己的最好
　　托福写作评分标准在论证上提出了三点要求：1、要有说理;2、要有例子;3、要有细节.这三条标准当中,中国学生最不缺的就是第一条.一个没有经过任何写作训练的考生写出来的文章往往充满了说理性的语句,并且都表达着同一个意思,缺少例子和细节,显得十分苍白无力.
　　而一个接受了一段时间托福写作训练的学生往往会在论证当中使用举例说明的方法.无奈这类例子大多为假设,泛泛而谈,语言空洞,很难有说服力.事实上,当我们在阅读地道的英美人的文章时,我们就会发现,英美人的文章中是充满了细节的,而小马过河认为这才是中国学生在进行论证时最缺乏的.
　　细节分为两个方面,一是语言的细化,主要体现在用词的准确性上,这是需要一段时间的积累加上特别训练才能达到的.二是例子的细化,体现在描述的细致性上,要做到这一点,除了刻意加上一些人名地名,显得描写细致以外,还需要学生多看原味英语,细细体味.
　　因此我们的学生在进行托福写作的时候,要注意对于be more specific这一标准的把握.很多时候,细致的例子能够弥补遣词造句上的不足.

1.第一段”modernized factories are built in order “改为”modernized factories have been built"注意时态的合理性.
2.however后面要由逗号
3.托福作文不能缩写,要体现出正式."I'd rather" 改成" I would rather"
4.第二第三段的过渡词偏低级.因为第四段你用了让步,所以过度词用"In addition"和"What is more"等等
5.不要一直用"more" OK?
6.最后一段"In the conclusion"改成"In conclusion"
7.The widely spread of the Internet ,which has transformed opportunities for leaning and communicating,collapses the distance and also increases the number of brilliant minds we can have working together on the same problem---and that scales up the rate of innovation to a staggering degree.说实话,这个句子很乱.建议拆分成短句,简洁明了些
8.“kids can go to the park to fun”改成“kids can go to parks for fun"注意冠词和介词的使用
9.没有"by contrast"这一说,改成" In contrast"
10." children can make learn "没有这一说,去掉make
11.托福作文的结尾要求 总结+提出期盼.这里只有总结了.后面再加上 So,it is advisable for people to live in cities,instead of conrysides.
12.看得出来,你有一定的基础.但你的用句很多都不地道,这是最大的问题.建议你多读写原文,积累语感.多用自己读到过的,有把握的句子来写,不要随意搭配.
13.你的作文应该是good,但是最下层的good,25分

你可以到“新东方批改网”上提交一下,那里有外籍老师帮你批改,并且能给你一个合理的分数

1.agree
A hard to find a job
B when economy depression/company bankrupt,people need to change job
C earn more salary and experience
2.agree
A high salary attracts good talent teacher
B high salary gives teacher more recognition
C teacher need high salary to develop themselves
3.agree
A necessary to communication
B more features than TV,especially when comes cellphone
4.own country's are more interesting
A easy to understand culture,backgroud and norms
B language issues.Foreign language may hard to understand

Obviously ,setting up a new factory in the community will bring many benefits for the local residence;however,the sewage and wastes that are produced by the factory greatly affects the local people's life.
On the bright side,the factory stimulates the economy of the community.Firstly,the new factory can stimulates the local economy and provides a substantial amount of working opportunities; therefore,the local people could begin to open grocery stores,restaurants,and entertainments to serve workers who are working in the factory.Due to the revenue increase,local people could send their children to high school or let them obtain a better education.As a result,establish a new enterprise also can improve the local education horizon.
On the other hand,open up a new factory could pollute the environment.It absorbs many immigrants and could eventually lead to issue like water defiant ,excessively inflated population and so on.
Merely ,there is no doubt that the new enterprise will contaminate the local environment and water resource,which might be a big issue .It can not be benificial to everyone because of the possibilities of water contamination.
In conclusion,I believe that starting a new factory do have suffience merits ,however ,we can not ignore the disadventages because of the benefits .we must carefully weight both sides and decide what we need to do,mustn't we.
你写的还不错,不过我又帮你改了好多~现在应该可以了.如果还有问题可以再问我.
好累阿~!不过我是第一个回答的呢:)
:)

楼主是指独立写作还是综合写作
独立写作就是T1(THING 1)+T2+T3或者是T1+T2+对方的缺点
综合是R总+L总（READING LISTENING）
R1+L1
R2+L2
R3+L3

不会

其实两个观点都是可以的.但是你应该以赞同某一个观点为主,并就此展开论述.
例如,你赞同先做完一件事情,再去做另一件事情.你可以举出很多实际的案例,比如名家之言,例如卡耐基是如何说的,比如你自己遇到的事情（当然是符合这个论点的事情）.然后说明这么做的好处.

满分30 但是是按照5分评分的 我这个大概几分呢··
水平有限.虚心请教.
是关于大城市还是农村更适合孩子的成长
Big city or countryside,which is better for children to grow up in?
It goes without saying that we hope our children have a happy and significant childhood.No matter big city or countryside,both of them can provide a good circumentance for children’s growth.But when it comes to question,which is better for children to grow up in?big city or countiyside?People hold differernt views on this issue.For my perspective,taking all aspects into consideration,big city obviously much better than countryside.My views will list as follows.
One of the primary causes is education conditions,big city have better education resources than countryside,which can provide more chances for children to accept a superior education that countryside can not.A prime example of this is perfect education circumantance such as teachers,universities and art training schools,to name just a few.Those resourses can hardly find in the countryside which can expand children’s scope of knowledge .What’s more,high-tech education facilities that big city have could enrich the teaching and learning methods,meanwhile it could help the students to have a better understanding on their academic course,such as multimedias and laboratorys.In contrast,countryside couldn’t offer those opportunities for their students.
A further more subtle point we must consider is living circumanstance,with the rapid development of our society,it is very convenient for all aspects of our daily life if we living in big city,whereas in countryside,the things that we can do are limited.Health care,for example,is the most important thing in our daily life that children could accepted the best medical tratement if they get a infirmity body.Moreover,regardless of the well-known hospital and docters,the gorvenment will not invest amount of money on countryside’s medical facilities.
Of course,it should be admitted that countryside has more fresh air and pure local customes and practices which will have a good influence on children’s mental and psysical heath.However,the diversity of the big city will better for children who want to borden their horizon and touch the front edge things.This will absolutely exert a profound impact on children’s childhood and stimulate their imagainations and creativities.
From what has been discussed above,although the atmosphere and the relationship among neighbors and friends are very comfortable in countryside,but the education and living circumanstance are better in big city which could provide a good condition for children’s growth.Therefore,big city is the best place for children to grow up in.

大概看了一样,就是中规中矩,没有自己的亮点··

快来帮帮我啦 我真的受不了了 给个详细的吧 拜托大家了

写的挺好的,评分的话不好说,但以现在托福的标准的话,应该不错吧,不过建议你不用刻意写长句,比如the students should consider the question about whether they really need the technology as their helper discreetly before they take action so that they can utilize the technology most efficiently while the technology itself will not jeopardize them.这句话意思就不大清楚

起始没有什么字数限制,不过字数少了肯定不太好,就像你中文作文一样,要你写400字你写800字没问题啊,但是你只写了300字肯定就不行.超出必定不扣分.而且楼主是说小作文吧?150—225?150这个下限太少了吧~

有些拼写错误,你需改正先.
感觉写的有些零乱,内容不是很充实.
可以在突出一下大学的重要性-----职业生涯开始前的一次综合性培训.
if you were a besinessman,it might be more easilier for you to get investment from one of your classmates who had became an investor of a large company;

很好啦.

25左右.字数太少,我作文28分,写了432个字呢.
还有就是词汇欠丰富,用点高端的词汇与句型吧.不过切忌瞎用.

我看了一下，大概就是fair的等级，到不了good，但是毕竟你字数还是够的，能在fair里面算比较好的。文章主要问题是，第一有语法拼写错误，你丢到word里，就能查出来，其次句式还是偏单一了，基本都是简单句和and连接的并列句，从句倒装强调都没太用，如果精益求精你的句子也表达的不是特别清楚。像第一段里than before，前面没写现在的教育，你的句子说的是教育和before在作比较，显然是不对的...

这么长!先改一段您试看,若满意,再继续.
The friends with whom (that) you can have fun are more important than the friends from whom you can get help?
We are living (live) in a gregarious society, relying on cooperation to maintain (sustain) our life. So, everyone needs friends. Some friends are funny; some friends are like-minded; some friends can help you a lot; some friends are only fair-weather friends. Some people holds the idea that the friends whom you can have fun with are more important than the friends whom you can get help from. By contrast, in my eyes, the friends who (can) help you a lot are much more significant than the friends who can make you laugh. My arguements (reasons) are following.

条理清晰,但是套用模板痕迹很重,词汇不够高级,不会得到一个很高的分数,中等.
致命的弱点：
1、尽量不用模板,用自己的东西.
2、加强词汇的记忆,从文章看出词汇是你的弱点.多用高级词汇.

结尾过于简短,结尾需要重申总论点和分论点,大概22分的样子

托福有官方185题库,里面是185道题.差不多的所有方面都有覆盖,但是在考试中应该不会考到原题.185题库有PDF版的独立写作,每道题目都有三篇文章作参考,很不错.

你是说超时了还能提交是吧?我觉得就是故意设计的,他那个提示时间也就是让你有点紧迫感,真要是超时就白写了,不被骂死才怪

个人感觉不会超过23分,估计21分左右,我将从结构和用词句两方面说明
结构方面：有明确论点,但论据稍显薄弱.但有一个致命缺点...楼主在首段只阐述了现状,没有明确给出自己观点,首段一定要给出明确观点,agree or disagree 不要做出含糊表达.
词句方面：造句方面楼主在句型已具一定变化,但观点最好要paraphase不要抄题目..大问题出在用词上,important some等4级以下词汇频繁出现,会让考官怀疑楼主词汇量..举例而言通篇讲重要只有important这一个词..重复痕迹明显,考官会怀疑你是否只会这一个词,但显然楼主TOEFL词背了不止7 8 遍了..多用替换essential vital significant等
楼主发个问题肯定不是就为了看个分数找个自信的,肯定是来找问题,所以不要怪我太苛刻 ,建议加强词语训练

是可以的.not a big deal并不是太过于口语化.把握好度就行,不要用都市俚语就好啦!祝你考试成功'

Nowadays, many people discuss if(改用whether 会较好) teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the classroom(classrooms 用复数). Many people may disagree with teacher(teachers要用复数) make(要改为making) their social or political view known to students because they think social or political views are not closely related to class knowledge. It wastes a lot of time to teach these views to students. However, there are also many people think it’s good for student(students) that(改用 when 或 if) teachers talk about social problem(problems要用复数) at(是 in) class(classes要用复数). We can't say which one is wrong because each answer has its reason(reasons要用复数). In my opinion, I think teacher(teachers) should make their social or political view known to students in the classroom.
Firstly, we should think about political or social things(要改为issues) in our age. So teachers can guide us to understand the society(要加better). We are now (要加at) the age of 16. This means that two years later we will become an adult. When we become an adult, we must (to care the 要改为 care about) politics and social (要加 matters / issues). They are very necessary(要改用important) to us(是our) life. Our teacher(teachers) (要加should 因为是你的意见) always makes(make) his(their) social or political views known to us in the classroom(s). He(要改为they)(should) (said many of the view are very correct这节表达有问题,要改为 provide us with the correct view). He(要改为They 加 should) often explains(explain) some reasons about social events in his(their) class(classes).. I think it is good for us to develop and (要加 to) know the world.
Secondly, teachers can tell us a lot of social or political views from the(要改为 their) adult perspective. Adults have experienced things more than us. They (要加 can) think (要加 of) things more comprehensive(用comprehensively 是副词). We are teenagers, so we just live in a world simply that do not need us to think (of) things (要加 with) more difficult(要改为 difficulties). Therefore, teachers can tell us something more comprehensive. From this, we can also learn a lot of method(methods) of thinking (of) social or political things(要改为matters 或 issues).
Lastly, the teacher tells(应该用 talk) about social or political views in class(classes) (can make us won’t feel bored 这句表达混乱不清,要改为 won't make us feeling bored). If teachers only teach knowledge from books, we will not have a lot of interest in class(classes). The class(classes) will be very boring. Maybe we will sleep (去掉in the class太重复) or think (要加 about)other things in class(classes). If teachers tell(要改为 talk about) something except(要改为 apart from) books, maybe we will focus on the teacher(teachers 要加 more /better). Therefore, we will not feel tired in class(classes). (应该要加Therefore) I like teachers who like (要加 to) make their social or political views known to students in the classroom(s).
In conclusion, I would like to say, people have different thinking from different angles. All of them (are correct 并非全是正确,只可以说是各有各的理由 have their own reasons). So we can't say which one is not correct. Because it is(they are) all our own opinions and (others from the perspective of they 这一节我不大明白你想表达甚麼,所以无法替你更正,但照理推测,应该是: those with the similar perspective) will disagree with us(应该是me 因为这是你自己的意见).( I think teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the classroom.这句可以去掉,因为已重复了很多次!)

已替你更正了过来,但很抱歉地说,文章有很多处有错.句子也太多重复.不过,还是祝你学业进步!

很希望会对你有帮助.若满意请采纳,谢谢你.

我觉得呢,整体的结构很好很清楚,论述有条理.
好的地方就不说太多了,说点我感觉到的问题?倒也不算什么问题,我也是学生一起讨论吧.
个人倾向于把让步段往前面放 但是我考托福的时候让步也在后面,感觉也没问题.
支持段只有两个呀,可以补充一个,短一点也没关系
结尾虽然没有实际作用但是可以写的再充实一点吧……
语法有小地方的问题,但这个程度不会扣分.有些用词还能改进.
额……唉我也是比较弱的……我打分的话,给25吧

2个思路
第一个思路,同意：-运用多种工具我们能获得更多的信息.电脑电视广播报纸blabla.举个例子说,有一次和同学讨论问题,你不是很了解,于是你通过网络查了一下,然后阅读了很多很多信息和观点以后,你弄明白了这个问题.可以说新闻热点讨论的话题也可以是学术问题.然后总结,有了更多的工具我们能够主动去获得信息,然后变得well-informed.
- 通过运用新的工具,能够节约我们的时间,提高我们找信息的效率.然后你就说,以前在图书馆找资料多么花时间,现在在网上搜方便又省时间.
第二个思路,不同意：-更多的工具,有更多的信息,使我们一时间消化不了.会花费更多的时间去筛选.
- 信息不一定都是真实的.

你写的很好!

personal rating:3
your essay is fairly organized ,with a easy and simply stucture swiftly guiding readers to undertand your "storyline".That's a good thing,keep going!However,the irritating grammar flaws and poorly dispensed examples greatly cripple the fluency and efficacy of your essay.
Here are 3 ways to help you get a higher point:
1,Pay more attention to your potential grammar mistakes.Practicing more and then you will find out that you may make the same mistakes over and over again,e.g.run on sentences,tense errors,etc.Keep your eyes on these mistakes and try to avoid them next time.
2 Think before you write the essay.Making a sketch can also help.Right now you are not successful to demonstrate your points and arguments clearly,and the examples are far too simple to be convicing .Keep in mind:persuade people,don't make fool of them.
3 Revise your transitional paragraph.To say in a blunt way,your transitional sentences make me confused and I have spent several minutes scratching my head wondering what your points are.Do not make your transtional words and expression contradict with your previous statements.There is no certain way to articulate yourself,so if you are not so proficient in making a transition,try something else.

Disagree.Accomplishments will get invaluable if they are too much shown.Other people may be jealous and obstruct your further development.可能会下意识地(subliminally)变得沾沾自喜,不思进取.

主要问题就是例子吧,因为我之前考过SAT,发现其实TOEFL的例子不用那么详细,你可以试着用一句话把例子总结出来,什么人名完全不用写的.
还有,不要为了加单词而加单词咯,开头我不是很喜欢,我比较倾向于在开头就把自己的观点在段末总结起来.
托福一般要写三点,如果你想不到三点可以在最后做一个反驳,类似于A说我的观点是不对的,但我发现A是特例,我的观点才是普遍……凑字数很有效的.

1.one get-> one gets
2.there is no signal indicates this ->indicates that
3.An outstanding factor of book is,the knowledge contained in it,tends to be precise and objective.这句话我不建议你这么写,灵活的插入有必要,但是你有些舍本求末了
4.书面文不要用缩写
5.there’re books teach you to become an excellent cook,an outstanding manager,or a famous actress.-》there are books that teacher
6.covert-》coverts never meet -》never meets replace-》replaces
总的来说,文章还可以,但是得高分很难,小错太多,我没细看,这种单复数错误过多还是有一定影响的.你喜欢用长句,用各种短语搭配,但是我个人感觉句法不够熟练.英语不是中文,英语一句话就是一个意思,你用了太多的逗号,这并不符合英语的写作规范.此外,TOEFL作文最讲究的是用specific details支持你的论点,我感觉你的陈述过多,但是细节没有进行必要的放大.最后就是意义了,你认为光看书就能be an excellent cook.不敢苟同,我倒觉得这些地方时experience 更重要
以上,
补充：我不是让你用从句,你一句话里面两个谓语动词了,indicate stop中间必须得有东西连接
此外,我不认为不用例子可以写好托福作文,托福作文不像GRE,文章体裁都比较大众,很难说理说的出彩,一定要有论据支持.至少我不会也没见过不用specific details得高分的文章.

1, From student's perspective, It is obvious that after graduation, the teenagers need to find the job to support their life, so their target in the university is learning practical knowledge,which me...

呵呵呵我在加拿大上学,考托福之前刚好练过这篇呢.我的老师是加拿大人,她说这篇写的非常优秀.我的托福成绩是109,虽然不高,可是这篇真的是很不错.
正文：
It is,as numerous students internalize,really difficult to perform a balancing act on 2 parts of a learning process according to importance.Leaving out their respective benefits,however,students should invariably come to the realization that it is learning the facts that facilitates the absorbance of concepts and enriches the ideas.
Firstly,learning the facts promotes the efficiency in studying the concepts.Recent criticisms have drastically reprimanded the school systems for being "Ivory towers",where concepts are divorced from the practical applications.In order to inverse such negative perceptions,now we are assigned to projects to embark on which involve a considerable amount of research so as to integrate ideas with facts when a new concept is being demonstrated.For example,during the research essay that was concentrated on government intervention with regard to the great depression in Canada,never ever had I authentically understood how this administration benefited people until I learned about the fact that relief policy had been enforced to remove the burden of their financial bankruptcies.Consequently I succeeded in boosting my efficiency of absorbing a certain idea by making reference to a historical event.
Moreover,studying the facts can be beneficial to deepening the concepts.How can we achieve excellence in internalizing a certain idea without applying it to the contemporary or primordial state that is the most imperative?In a word,fact is like a vehicle which we should employ to unravel all the relevantly corresponding scenarios.For example,if I were to present the class with a speech featuring the "chicken or the egg" dilemma by arguing the former comes the first,I would eventually need to put my theory in a framework that is constructed with reliable and impeccable evidences; I would go to the library and search for facts that bolsters my idea and can gradually "Hijack" the brains of the audience by leading them to ultimately develop this enriched mindset about the chicken's existence preceding the egg's.
In conclusion,there is no sweeping generalization as to which one is more important,the fact or the idea.No matter which of them outweighs the other,what we should bear in mind is that fact is an indispensable link between unprocessed knowledge and internalization as well as enrichment.

第一 最好能给个题目,因为托福作文即使范文都会有拼写或者语法错误,所以扣题和逻辑是最重要的.
第二,你犯了大部分人都有的错误,就是“you , your”等词,（个人认为这个是大忌）这个是不能用的.考官看了会很迷茫,你整篇都在说“你的”,还有“你”怎么怎么样”.
第三,缺少一个结尾,这个其实如果考试时时间不够都可以不写,但是最好写一下来加强观点等.
the acquisitions you might obtain 、Such as an effective diploma, companionship with your classmates and professinal knowledge. All of these will keep you being sure of yourself这些表达都很奇怪.
推荐你看下新东方的写作速成.那本书精看一下写作挺容易提高的.
写作主要是：1.最重要的逻辑,你用题库来锻炼思路就好了.
2.词汇 这个光背单词绝对没用,就好比你有很多珍珠,但是要用绳子才能穿起来做成项链.所以最好看一下写作词汇,那些都是词组.
3.brainstorm.能很快找到支持自己观点的有力证据.
这个.每句的修改什么的就不说了吧.
你这个题目是题库中的第一道题~
建议你改一下内容.use stronger point to support your essay.
这个问题的写作思路在新东方写作高分速成上也有,建议再练一下思路.

推荐新托福写作真经,貌似现在出到4了,里面收录的都是近年的新题原题还有范文,摸清出题思路什么的很好的.还有就是真正考试的时候就会发现TPO的题太老了,和现在出的题有的思路都对不上了.
还有就是平时写作的话可以练练TPO小站机经什么的,并不一定是要自己的那场考试,但是题目都是新题,增长能力

我看了看,说实在的,咱俩英语水平差不多,要是让我写也应该和你差不多,
从你的文章里可以看出来,你应该是上过补习班的吧.
我这里谈不上什么帮你改,只是和你探讨一下.
结构上,我觉得你最好加一个结尾,做一个综述,也就是all in all ,in conclusion什么的,用来再次强化主旨
还有,我建议你在可行的时间内尽量多打些字,虽然字数多分不一定高,但是,好像老外喜欢字数多的文章.
还有一点,就是最好能过多样化,灵活化你的词汇,好像你用的都是高中词汇,
试着用同义词替换一下出现过多的词汇.
希望对你有帮助

Here is my recommendations of the main points of this satement.
I disagree this statement for the following three main reasons.
First of all,unheathly eating habits,like all the other habits,takes time to form,and it starts from inside,not outside.For example,getting up late,may starts from the late internet surfing last night,and occassionally it may not be noticeable,however,if you do is again and again,you have formed a bad habit of sleeping late and getting up late,it is originated from the lack of self-control and it is a problem from inside.
Secondly,advertising only offers you excuses for unhealthy eating habits.However,we all know if you are serious about the problem,you will take responsiblity rather than pointing the finger to something else and trying to find excues by blaming other things,such as advertising.
Thirdly,If you have a good eating habit,advertising may do nothing to influence it.As you have experienced the profits brought in by good eating habiits.Advertising can really fool you at all.
Hope this helps.

1.建议你一段一个中心句,中心句放在段首,这样比较明了简洁易懂.
2.你最好还是三个论点都从正面的角度讲,你的第一个admittedly那一段真的可以去掉,改成另外一个正面的讨论段落.
3.最后一段这句In fact,ever since he entered high school,he has never taken part in any form of entertainment to ensure his study time.As a result,my brother was forced to absorb knowledge in many fields,which is impossible for ancient people.
这句话逻辑有点问题,他有没有参加娱乐活动其实和他能不能获取很多知识没有必然联系.有很多牛叉的人是自己又有知识,又有entertainment的.反之,有些屌丝木有entertainment也啥都不会.
个人觉得25左右吧.还是多写写吧,有空没空找点topic,分析几个围绕着topic的论点.
and good luck

模板化太严重,解释说明不够具体,感觉只有一个框架在支撑.所以你需要做的是,丰富文章内容,让文章活起来.如果觉得我的建议可能能帮到你,邮件交流.yuxdong@indiana.edu

上面的回答,观点我基本同意.但是他讲的不是针对你的文章来的.6 or 6.5估计是雅思写作的分数.这是托福的大作文,一篇文章并不决定你的分数.要和综合作文一起看的.写得还行,还有一定的改进空间.具体的语言上,表达还好.大作文一般字数越多分数越高,但是字数也不是绝对的.建议400以上吧.其实文章结构很重要,但是更重要的是你的逻辑.否则模板只是生搬硬套.Good Luck!

第一行 some...,while others...
most people regard the success...
句子和句子之间要用句号,或者连接词,注意语法
例子还要再展开具体一点
不要重复用某些词,像happiness,换词
句式要多样一点

是一样的 但新托福明确要求300字以上

第二段应改为 First of all,it takes more time in training to become a professional athlete than other occupational needs.For example,it usually needs more than ten years of basketball practicing and great talent to become a basketball player in the NBA; furthermore,it would take even more effort to become a sports star such as Michael Jordan and David Beckham

can better people's decision-making skill这一句应该改成can help people make better decision
When in a dilemma,a应该删去
protest yourself 应该成protect yourself
get to success easily.应该成get to succeed easily

托福作文相对来说有很强的规律性,可以记下来一些考试模板,到时候到考场上就不会紧张了.